Back in the Daemonic Saddle
Hey beautiful people,
Some cool news: The Stoa is heading to the Willow Monastic Academy!
On October 8th our friends John Vervaeke, Daniel Thorson, and Seishin Todorović will be having a session at The Stoa discussing the cutting edge we-space practices being cooked up at the Willow Monastic Academy.
The Stoa will then host a 6-day chant and meditation challenge from October 12th to 17th that is happening live at Willow. The series ends with a session on October 17th with me visiting Willow. You can RSVP to these events below …
Harmonizing to Emerge: A New Ecology of Practices w/ John Vervaeke, Daniel Thorson, and Seishin Todorović. October 8th @ 2:00 PM ET. RSVP here.
Wake Up! 6-Day Chant and Meditation Challenge w/ Willow Monastic Academy. October 12th-17th @ 5:00 AM ET. RSVP here.
Harmonizing to Emerge: A Stoic at the Monastic Academy w/ Peter Limberg, Daniel Thorson, and Seishin Todorović. October 17th @ 12:00 PM ET. RSVP here.
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September 18th, 2021
I have been doing a lot of private journaling since I wrote my Summertime Slowness entry back in July. The way I privately journal is quite different than how I do so publicly - I write them fast, without care for grammar or spelling. I write whatever comes to mind as well, which makes them appear in wild fragments that would not make sense to others. They are basically unreadable. I do not write them to be readable.
I usually delete them afterward. I have been journaling like this since I was a teenager, and I have probably written over a thousand journals that I have deleted. This is not a huge loss, because I probably could not read them myself anyway. I do not need to make these entries readable, even to my future self, because they just have to make enough sense to my present self to keep track of what is being processed.
I write them to process personal things - usually things that are either too intense to process publicly, or things that I worry others will judge me over. Usually what happens in these private journals is that a catharsis emerges, and my entire being feels existentially quenched. I love hunting for this catharsis.
The deleting thing seems important and I sense having practiced journaling in this way has helped me show up here (and, more generally, in life) in a more truthful way. Given that I know that these private journals will be deleted, I journal as if no one is watching - except perhaps God. This frees me up to be ridiculously honest, to the point where it becomes embarrassing even for myself.
I am not engaging in performative honesty in those journals, which I would probably slip into if I only journaled publicly. Doing all these private journals does give me a really good sense of what truthful writing and speaking are like. I can tell when I am out of the spirit of truthfulness; usually when I am attempting to relate to and belong with people who are not practiced in it.
This makes me feel quite lonely, of course, as I have a hard time relating with people who do not have a default proclivity to speak truthfully. This summer felt pretty lonely for me, I imagine, because I was privately journaling throughout it. I had a lot of salient issues that were lingering for a while; personal issues about my body, my wife, my parents, and yeah, demons.
So, after I finished teaching the Becoming a Live Player course in July, I did not really know what to do. There are so many daemonic projects bubbling up, and I felt lucky to have the bandwidth to allow this daemonic force to move through me. With the administrative side of The Stoa now streamlined, I had a few months of no commitments in front of me, so I decided to be proactive with private journaling, to process all of those outstanding salient issues.
And I did. I processed all of them like a boss. I felt pretty emotionally fucked-up through most of the summer though. You do not get to process this much stuff and immediately become happily individuated with a delicious clarity. No, that does not happen. It is more like being wildly disoriented after wrestling with intense emotions newly freed from being caged up for so long.
The good thing is that during all of this processing I had these awesome daily Collective Journaling sessions at The Stoa. These sessions were attended by beautiful Stoans engaging in personal journals about deep and touching stuff. The energy surrounding these sessions helped me keep going.
I am called to write publicly again. I do not know if I will post all of these, but I want to write as if you are here. This is probably the key difference between my private and public journaling: you are not in the private ones. It’s just me and God. There are three of us here now though.
The empathic component is more salient right now as well. I am still writing to myself, in the most authentic way that feels safe for me to do so. However, the difference is that I am writing so your mind can understand these words, and more importantly, for you to have a chance to feel them.
Something else is different about my public journals compared to my private ones: the daemon is here in a stronger way. I am writing right now so that some kind of artifact can be left behind for you to see. I want this artifact to be beautiful enough - it is a sign the daemon is here when beauty is an intrinsic consideration.
I started journaling here on March 23rd, 2020, with an innocent entry aptly titled COVID-19. Here is a passage:
I have not discussed my Stoic practice much publicly, but, in these wild and uncertain days, it is time for me to come out of the Stoic closet. Marcus Aurelius regularly wrote to himself, which was not only a way to remind himself of his Stoicism, but to practice it as well. There is something about being patient with the written word that helps ground you in your truth.
Man, so much sweet innocence in that entry. I was not aware of what would unfold after writing it. I wrote over 100 public entries in a row after that first entry, and I have written well over 300 in total. I probably have to come to terms with the fact that there is something about my public journaling that is deeply intertwined with this project, and perhaps with my connection to the daemon itself.
I feel like when I write, in the way I am writing now, a certain energy visits. I do not know how each entry will unfold, but I do know that after I finish one I feel pretty good. I am close to finishing this entry now, and the feeling of goodness is nearby.
I am sensing that I should be writing like this more often. Starting the day with good music, good espresso, and a sense of impending goodness can only be a good thing. Writing like this is like getting in a “daemon rep” to start the day. I become inspired after and many ideas start manifesting in surprising ways.
Hm. Yeah. This feels like the right question now: What is life without a surprise? A spiritual prison sentence perhaps.
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