Becoming
Tomorrow’s event:
Existential Hope W/ Allison Duettman. April 21st @ 12:00 PM ET. RSVP here. 60 mins.
Newly posted events:
Stoic Virtue Ethics W/ Matthew Sharp. May 10th @ 6:00 PM ET. RSVP here. 60 mins.
Integral Theory: Pre-History, History, and Future W/ Layman Pascal. May 17th @ 6:00 PM ET. RSVP here. 60 mins.
An event to get excited about:
Family Constellations W/ Bertold Ulsamer. April 22nd @ 2:00 PM ET. RSVP here.
Bertold Ulsamer visits The Stoa to discuss the therapeutic practice of Family Constellations with philosopher Ole Bjerg. Ole will be returning to The Stoa on May 2nd to host a Patreon-exclusive Family Constellations practice session.
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April 20th, 2021
I sensed an opening after yesterday’s entry.
I am back now, journaling in a zero fucks way, or at least I want to be. There is still resistance, and this resistance feels like a jumbled constellation of unpleasant emotions. These emotions have been here for a while. They are the kind of emotions I do not want to share, because they are the kind of emotions that are awkward to share.
One needs to risk being awkward to grow though, so I will risk being awkward. These emotions are located around my chest, and they feel piercing, and if I were to translate them into words, they would tell me harsh things: you are a failure, you are a loser, you are a deeply inadequate man.
These emotions are not here all the time of course, and I feel quite positive about myself most times, but they are here now, and they were here last night. Inadequacy is probably the best word to describe them. I wrote about inadequacy before, and it seems to be a state that has been with me my entire adult life. It shows up in slightly different ways, and when I think it is finally gone, it sneaks its way back to my body.
I could not sleep last night because of it, and my mind was aimlessly ruminating on it, in a fruitless effort to ameliorate its intensity. I recall talking to Jordan Peterson about this state of inadequacy, and like a boss he sharply responded that we are all inadequate in some way, it just depends on the context. Being inadequate at times is a human given.
This is true enough. We are not good enough at many things. The state of inadequacy becomes tyrannical when it says you are not good enough. Despite all the wisdom signalling I do in these journals, it seems like getting into the right relationship with this state of inadequacy is something I have not yet arrived at. Maybe this entry will help with my arrival.
Last night, when sleeplessly in the wrong relationship with this state, my mind did seem to latch on to something that was said during a recent dialogos at The Stoa on being a man:
Our current culture is not allowing us to be born.
It was said in reference to men today, but it probably applies to women as well. I sense there is something here. There does seem like there is this sense—perhaps it is a deep spiritual sense—of being inhibited from becoming what my entire being wants to become.
There is something waiting to burst out of me. My thumos is frustrated, and it is not cleanly channeled in a euthymic sort of way. There is so much more that wants to be given. There is so much that wants to become. It is like my whole being is longing to be born.
Could all of this be some overcompensation from feelings of inadequacy? Perhaps, but that narrative feels tired and impotent to me. The dollar store wisdom that says: oh just accept and love yourself completely fam, and all will be good, does not seem like the right advice for me. Neither is manically trying to prove myself by achieving success metrics from deadplayer scripts written for a dying world.
There is another way to relate to this state of inadequacy. I sense it now. The spirit of truth is near, and it feels like it is going to be a surprise. I am releasing the urge to end this entry with an answer. Sometimes landing on an answer is not what is needed, and sometimes sinking into an intention is what is needed.
The intention I am sinking into now is a simple one: find my way into the right relationship with this state of inadequacy.
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