Being Lovefucked
Hey delicious friends,
I hope you're well. Vacation time is over. Its time to engage in some serious spiritual business and this spiritual hustler is ready to continue to dance from one knifes edge to the next.
I spoke with the Letter team today. I am told my letters are still the most read material on their platform, and they have added a feature where you can respond to them. I received one from Matthew Farrelly this morning. This passage made me chuckle:
I've enjoyed your letters and I admire your way with words and your eye for the edge of the wave. When I see you speak on YouTube you are so calm and centred but your writing feels like you are raving. I mean it in a good way but it scares me a little to be honest.
It is good to be a little afraid, when the daemon is around, because nobody can predict where he is going to take things. :)
If you are called to respond to any of my letters, I deeply welcome it. I probably will not respond back given my workload, but I will do my best to read them all. I really enjoyed the thoughtfulness of Matthews's letter.
Tomorrow, the general returns to The Stoa. I am so excited. In the evening, the blackbird and I will discuss how we will be seducing and stealing the culture. RSVP below:
Situational Assessment w/ Jordan Hall. May 5th @ 10:00 AM ET. RSVP here.
Seduce/Steal the Culture w/ Peter Limberg and Raven Connolly. May 5th @ 7:00 PM ET. RSVP here.
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May 4, 2020
I am turned on. Most of the time. In truth, I am basically a walking erection. Literally.
During this great awakening, I have become very libidinous. On my very first date with Camille, which was over ten years ago now, I told her something that conveyed the following: I am attracted to many women and I am not going to apologize for that. I think I got that line out of a cheesy pick-up artist book, but I said it because it was true.
I have noticed that the truth of that pick-up line has become visceral over the last few weeks. I am finding myself deeply attracted to many women, both emotionally and sexually, and I could be wrong of course, but I sense that more women are becoming deeply attracted to me. My capacity to feel people has increased, and I have been feeling, let us just say, certain energies. I am not doing anything special, except listening to the deepest part of myself, and being truthful while I am doing so. Maybe that is hot, or maybe what is hot is publicly setting your life on fire.
Of course, a part of me wants to indulge, and cultivate some kind of spiritual harem, and make love to all sorts of women all day long, to appease my desire for variety, and for this neverending erection. I made the argument in the past, to my friends who were in the pick-up artist scene, that the apex desire for a heterosexual male is to have many women who want to have sex with him, and only him.
But I have thought this through before, and it seems like a dead end. Neil Strauss’ book The Truth is a must read if you want to be disabused of your harem desires. He tried it, and it nearly destroyed him. And besides, I have what may be a deeper desire: I strongly want to be a one woman man. I am one of those guys who liked watching The Notebook (most guys secretly do).
I am listening to this song by The Shivers called "Beauty." The lyrics are landing hard right now. I do not know what to think about astrology, but I am a double Scorpio, sun and moon, and I feel that I fit that archetype pretty well. When I see somebody I want, I want to possess them completely. I want to own every inch of their body, and when they are drenched in sweat after I have exhausted them, I want to own their sweat as well.
But I can keep a Stoic distance from this animalistic desire, which can turn devilish quickly. It is unwise to possess people, it is wise to see them blossom in the right way. And I deeply desire to see the feminine, in all its forms, blossom in the right way. It is time for the masculine to shut the fuck up, and just be a rock for all the beautiful birds to land on, when they are tired of figuring out how to fly to their potential.
So, maybe I am projecting, but I think this is the dilemma of the metamodern heterosexual man: the desire to have wild spiritually delicious sex with as many women as possible, and the desire to have his entire soul fixated on just one. It is a great tension, and I do not want to rush into answers or solutions just to ameliorate my fears or other people's fears. I used to call this being lovefucked.
Before I surprised Camille by asking her if she wanted to be my wife, I said "I kinda want to spend the rest of my life with you." She shot back: "kinda?" I got down on one knee, with tears in my eyes, and we cried together, while I put an oversized ring on her, which we later fitted. We got married in Ireland, just her and me, and it was a poetically beautiful day. In front of God, I promised "until death do us part."
I am very very very lucky to have such a beautiful and feminine woman in my life as my wife, who puts up with my exhausting ways. And I am overjoyed at seeing her blossom in the right way. I have to wrestle with this metamodern dilemma, and I am at the knife's edge here, as with everything else in my life right now.
There are more plot lines I have not been discussing, nor does it feel right to discuss them, but I know that I do not want to fuck things up, and I am deeply aware that this flawed man wants to be a virtuous one. And I also want to get better at sex, but that is beside the point.
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