Dying to the World
Hello beautiful people,
I am at the family cottage, relaxing with my wife. But the Stoa is still open for (spiritual) business.
Tomorrow’s events:
Stoic Breath w/ Steve Beattie.Every Sunday @ 10:00 AM ET. RSVP here.
The Good, the True, and the Beautiful w/ Jared Janes. Every Sunday @ 12:30 PM ET. RSVP here.
Mediation Campfire w/ Jason Snyder and Jared Janes. Every Sunday @ 3:30 PM ET. RSVP here.
Oxytocin Party w/ Raya Sun. Every Sunday @ 8:00 PM ET. RSVP here.
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May 2, 2020
I think I am getting closer. I feel calmer. More whole. I am closer to wanting to die, in the right way.
I feel the devil in my heart. He was here yesterday. I am skeptical of myself. Sometimes I do not trust myself. I worry about you trusting me. And I feel that I am becoming more trustworthy. What if the virtuous man turns bad or, worse, evil, at the very moment you trust him the most.
The existential risk people do not discuss is the devil in our hearts. As that quote from The Usual Suspects puts it: The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. Maybe we could figure out how to respond to this meta-crisis collectively if we were to shine light on this part of our hearts.
It makes me think that overcoming the devil, and the hellish existence he reigns over, served as a superordinate goal for humanity to rally around. My fellow Orthodox Christians call it spiritual warfare. In the liminal war, all the warfares—kinetic, emotional, memetic, and spiritual—will become one and the same.
I am fearful that at the last minute I will turn, after I have worked so hard to earn your trust. I am beginning not to trust myself. I feel unworthy of the weight of responsibility, of the weight of truth. I do not want you to trust me. I want you to be on guard. Can you still love me, if you do not trust me?
I am selfish. For your love. I want that bonfire. I want that music. I want to trick the devil. Play the old bait and switch, at the last moment, before Rome falls. Can I do it? I want to engineer a guarantee. How much can I keep listening without a guarantee? I am constantly playing metagames, I cannot help myself, and I am playing them with my own mind as well. It is the most annoying chess match I have ever played, and I have often been annoyed while playing chess.
I am armed with truthfulness though. I cannot help but say what I believe to be true. You just have to ask the right question, and most people do not know how to ask the right question. I want to ask myself the right question right now ...
Why do I have to listen?
Listening is delicious.
Okay, true. Let us try again ...
Why do I have to die to the world?
It is the only way. The devil cannot be tricked. He is the best trickster. To use James Carse’s language, he is the master player. Use his skill set, when it’s wise to do so, but if you have it as your foundation, you will turn. In order to receive love, true love, you have to follow the Hemingway heuristic in the most spiritual way possible. You have to trust. You will not hear the music again if you do not trust.
What is the catch?
You have to risk everything, and say goodbye to all guarantees. There are no guarantees where you are going …
I wanted to make a joke to lighten the mood, and write something like: Aw man. Why can't I just be a normie? But I will not write that, in a way that owns those words. There is no gravitas in those words, and I am feeling gravitas. Yes, I can be playful and oddly charming, but my foundation has always been gravitas. I am starting to sense a deep lightness underneath it, though.
My mind is turning to Daniel Thorson. He will be ending his silent meditation retreat on May 24th. I have been invited to the ceremony he will be holding when he comes out of retreat. I will be there, if I can get across the border. In an email, before he went, he wrote: I'm preparing to die to the world.
I want to see my friend, who may be already dead, in the right way. I have to keep wrestling with this myself. I feel a strong urge to be a good Stoic, one who tries to hit a spiritual home run. I sense I have to aim for theosis.
It is time to get right with reality. It is time to get right with God. It is time to get on my knees and pray.
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