How to Evict Someone Living Rent-Free in Your Head
Have you ever heard someone’s voice in your head questioning your decisions, always disagreeing with you, planting seeds of doubt? You might know this person, someone you no longer associate with, but their doubting essence still lives rent-free in your head. Their voice appears in moments when you dare to try something new, attempting to change yourself in some fundamental way. The voice has one aim: to keep you from changing.
A cruel consequence of dealing with gaslighting sociopaths, political moralizers, socially naive sensemakers, or overtly controlling partners and friends—whether intentional on their part or not—is that their voice can linger in your mind. To be fair, it’s not always their fault; an implicit conspiracy often emerges, an unspoken outsourcing of what is good and true to people who are, or seem, smarter or wiser than you.
The two main forms of outsourcing are:
Moral Outsourcing
Epistemic Outsourcing
With moral outsourcing, one outsources what they believe is the good thing to do; with epistemic outsourcing, one outsources what they believe to be true. We all have fundamental doubts about what is good and what is true, so it’s understandable to turn to those who seem certain for answers. This phenomenon is called introjection—the adoption of someone else’s views and attitudes, usually from a person seen as an authority figure, as if they were one’s own.
Parents are a common source, but it could also be a teacher, a priest, or an influencer who frequently appears in your social media feed. Sometimes, the internal voice “sounds” like the person, and you find yourself having imaginary conversations with them. These may start off pleasantly but can quickly sour when the philosophy behind that person’s voice no longer aligns with your own. Internal debates may arise, turning into mental battles. Just when you think you’ve bested the voice, it has a quick retort, remaining relentless in its insistence on being right.
This internal sparring may initially help sharpen your arguments, but it quickly becomes exhausting; you don’t want to debate this issue anymore. You want to agree to disagree, move on, change, experiment, and take the risk of doing something new. But no—the voice doesn’t let you. It keeps dragging you back to the argument, insisting you prove yourself and prove it wrong.
You’ll hear about this unwanted introjected voice dynamic from people who have escaped cults or abusive relationships; the voice of the cult leader or abusive partner lingers long after the individual has left, despite mountains of evidence that this person was deeply wrong or outright evil.
The truth is, it’s best to remove these voices. There is no need to keep debating with them after a certain point; doing so only feeds them. The good news is, there is a simple technique I developed to remove them. It may not work for everyone, but if you’re fatigued by dealing with these voices, it might be worth giving it a try:
When the voice emerges and challenges you, pause, breathe, and, if possible, base yourself in love. Refrain from engaging in internal dialogue with it.
Instead, wrap your attention around the contours of the voice’s presence. For some, this will be easy and intuitive; for others, it may be more challenging. If you find this difficult, try visualizing the person from whom the voice originates.
Now, once you have your attention centered, imagine the presence or image of this person slowly shrinking into a speck of dust, which then bursts in a tiny explosion. Picture some cartoonish-sounding music playing, like circus clown music, while the shrinking happens. The idea is to undermine the sense of seriousness the voice maintains.
Finally, pause, breathe, and give a loving farewell, then shift your focus to something more empowering.
This exercise is inspired by the Neurolinguistic Programming technique known as Visual/Kinesthetic Dissociation, also referred to as the Fast Phobia Cure. Practice it each time the voice appears. Over time, if this technique works for you, the voice will fade to a faint memory, no longer holding the power it once did and offering you greater freedom to try new things.
Therapeutic junkies might hesitate to try this technique because they are susceptible to the trap of endlessly seeking what needs to be emotionally “integrated,” which, when done unwisely, can have the torturous side effect of keeping these voices in place. The reason this is a non-therapeutic project rather than a strictly therapeutic one is that the voice cuts deep, striking at the very core of how one determines what is good and true.
Most people would stumble or philosophically obfuscate when pressed on how they know the good and true. Training for virtue is scarce, and people with robust epistemic methodologies are rare. The project of discovering these, especially in a way that allows for deep discernment and greater reliability, takes time—it could even take a lifetime. Such an endeavor should not be rushed.
One should not be pressured into accepting moral positions or truth claims out of fear of being shamed as ignorant or immoral. If one is called to a philosophical way of life and to the project of building a deep moral and epistemic foundation—one not easily corrupted by pressures from persuasive yet uncalibrated individuals—it is crucial to set aside time for this worthy pursuit.
Yet, as life moves on, practical matters demand a robust trust in your own mind and innate goodness, along with the courage to learn from mistakes. The last thing you need is a know-it-all voice in your head that makes you feel bad or stupid for pursuing something you deeply sense is good and true.
If you have any questions, insights, feedback, or criticism on this entry or more generally, message me below (I read and respond on Saturdays) …