I started off believing in God. Like most people, in an unexamined way, and like many people today, without actively practicing a religion.
I became an atheist around 17. During that phase, I debated religious people, feeling superior while regurgitating Richard Dawkins's arguments. My atheism lasted for about a year. I switched to being agnostic when I took philosophy in university. When stress tested, the atheistic view seemed untenable, especially the militant kind that was fashionable with the "New Atheism" movement. Even Dawkins considers himself an agnostic when his positions are pressed.
My agnosticism did not last long either, and I started considering myself "ignostic"—a position that argues questions of God's existence are irrelevant without a clear and universally accepted definition of what "God" means. I partly adopted the ignostic label to be cool and different, aka pretentious. I knew nobody identifying as an ignostic besides those in a low-membered Facebook group.
Still, I was genuinely confused by what people meant when they said they did or did not believe in God. While I was more nuanced in my views, I was even more annoying in conversation than in my atheist days, sounding like Jordan Peterson when he talks about his “belief” in God:
I started returning to God in my late twenties after having a "demonic attack" (long story). This led me to be Jordan Peterson’s client in his therapy practice before he became culture war famous (another long story). Brushing against the demonic and losing my mind gave me post-traumatic stress and shook my "faith" in my ignostic stance.
I started going to the Orthodox Christian Church, where I was baptized. I was impressed by the tradition and its beauty and found communion eased my body. I did not keep up the discipline of attending Church, but I am glad I “returned.” I befriended a scholar of Orthodox Christianity, who became a mentor, showing me how to do the Jesus Prayer and explaining that the Orthodox view of God is one of “panentheism.”
Panentheism is the belief that God encompasses every part of the universe while extending beyond it, unlike its close cousin, "pantheism," which is a belief that God and the universe are the same. I was attracted to this belief and had been wavering between ignosticism and panentheism, leading to a fusion of the two that probably explains the spiritual-esque "vibes" of a place like The Stoa.
Now, when an atheist asks me if I believe in God, unlike my former therapist, my answer is straightforward: yes. When they ask why, I politely ask them to clarify what they mean by God.
If you have any questions, insights, feedback, or criticism on this entry or more generally, message me below (I read and respond on Saturdays) …