Keeping a Little Bit to Myself
Tomorrow’s events:
Bioenergetic Workout w/ Devaraj Sandberg. Every Second Saturday @ 10:00 AM ET. RSVP here.
The Glass Bead Game w/ Laurence Currie-Clark and The Arch. Every Saturday @ 6:00 PM ET. RSVP here. 120 mins
Newly posted events:
Ontological Design Sessions: What is Ontological Design? w/ Daniel Fraga, Owen Cox, Cadell Last, Carl H. Smith, and Raven Connolly. December 29th @ 2:00 PM ET. RSVP here.
Collective Intelligence w/ Anita Williams Woolley. January 6th @ 6:00 PM ET. RSVP here.
***
December 18th, 2020
I am feeling somewhat drained.
A lot of mini-challenges related to this place came at once. A person engaged in what I think is fair to be called a “psychic attack” against me, another person was being inappropriate to others in the Zoom calls, and other strange shit that I am not going to write about. This is all a part of the invisible work of stewarding a digital campfire I guess. It is distracting, and all of this shit makes it uninspiring for me to continue.
I am behind on administrative stuff once again, and behind in responding to emails. Too many people are requesting to collaborate on things, and some of these things simply do not resonate with me. It is time-consuming to figure out how to say “no” in a nice way, and people are sensitive to rejection, whether they get a response from me or not.
I am unclear as to how to best say no when it boils down to this: yeah, the daemon is not feeling that. There is a certain “je ne sais quoi” of The Stoa, which is not rationally engineered, so I do not really have a clear reason to point to when saying no.
I am reminded of the foreboding thought I received from someone: rejection will breed dark forces. I am also reminded of what I wrote about in terms of demons: Maybe the daemon will lead me to more demons, ones that come through me or through others.
The image of Saint Anthony being tormented by demons is coming to mind. I am no Saint, and I am not equipped for such spiritual tasks. Maybe I am, if push comes to demonic shove, but I am not strutting around with Saintly confidence. I probably asked for it. Creating such a weird and open space, with no clear conceptual boundaries, that invites projections.
My friend John wrote this about his experience reading my journals …
Reading Peter’s journals is like looking through a kaleidoscope. You rotate it, and sometimes the patterns look marvelous. In other times, they engender one, a few, or a constellation of impressions. In each rotation, one’s (maybe just my) changing impressions of it might feel like being thrown into a nebula.
He went on to say ...
I imagine that if someone ever asks for something to read so that they can intuitively get a sense of Stage 5 Kegan, I feel I might recommend taking a look at dem journals.
I have heard things like this before. My journals, and The Stoa itself, is somewhat like a Rorschach test. If you are called to read them or be here, you project what you need, or think you need, from them.
This could become dangerous, of course, especially if somebody is untethered from reality, and becomes fixated on me. I do not want this. Camille does not want this. These recent mini-challenges have been nothing too serious, and it is nothing a Stoic cannot handle, but I do sense I am now discovering and directly experiencing the first glimpses of the “failure mode” of The Stoa.
I am also hearing ripples from facilitators that people are feeling upset about my open musings of The Stoa ending. I am experiencing a strange mixture here: I am annoyed at these expectations, and I am also feeling into the emotional influence my words have, and being confused about what to do with that.
I never committed to stewarding this place forever. I do not recall committing to anything really. I am just trying to “listen to the daemon,” while trying to be as truthful as I can. Doing this while operating in the trasperspectival Kegan 5 zone, things can quickly become kaleidoscopic, as John pointed out.
I also feel very uncomfortable having the power to emotionally influence so many people. Power needs responsibility, and man, you picked the wrong guy there, Mr. Daemon. I can call myself Stoicus Pater all day, but this does not mean I know what the fuck I am doing.
I do not think I want this responsibility. I see why having clear Game A boundaries, with contractual relating, rather than “daemonic relating,” is what people default towards. You’ll have to be this individuated enlightened sage in order to navigate this space responsibly.
I could also be speaking out of a lack of thumos at the moment, and maybe tomorrow my mind and heart will change directions, but here is a commitment for you: I will end this project the same way I started it, with an uncommon truthfulness, albeit potentially naïve, that is earnest in a way you probably never seen before.
This sweet song from Matt Berninger, featuring Julien Baker, called “All I Want,” came on when I was writing this, and these lyrics really landed ...
Sometimes you gotta keep a little bit to yourself
A little something to keep believing in
Yeah.
***
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