In intimate relationships, things can go awry without apparent cause, leading to awkward and increasingly irritating exchanges. Frequently, in these moments, there is a mutual meta-awareness that no single individual is at fault, preventing full-blown anger outbursts. Something did get triggered, though. Yet, it isn't easy to point out what got triggered and what triggered it. These moments usually occur in a social context, making it difficult to process what just happened. I’ll call these moments
I'm reminded of a process from Brad Blantons book "Radical Honesty". I'm the process, you book a "ventilation" session with someone. The rules are: tell them about the things you are mad about, using the sentence stem "I resent you for...".
Say whatever comes up, and don't try to be reasonable. Just share the thoughts that come up. Don't let take turns, let one person ventilate and the other listen.
Usually, appreciations pop up. If they do, mix them in using the sentence stem "I appreciate you for..." After you run out of things to say, switch who is active, and let the other person ventilate.
I think this process serves much of the same need. Yours is more focused on the positive. I see some risks/benefits of Blanton's process, though:
1. The appreciations pop up spontaneously, and don't risk feeling forced.
2. The clearing of resentment is more visceral, spoken face to face rather than being written down. This might help clear things on a gut level.
The downside of Blantons process is that it's batshit insane, and sounds really destructive. If you are open to A/B test it on your relationship, I'd be happy to hear the outcome :)
Blanton's book was a big influence on me. After reading RH when I was 18, I went balls-to-the-wall truthful, burning down many relationships in the process. Overall, I am glad I had a radical honest phase to build that muscle and really feel the exhilaration of edgy honesty, but being radically honest in the wrong moments or without the relational commitment space and capacities to process, can be quite a selfish and neurotic act.
I've been in my radical honesty phase for a couple of years now. I haven't managed to alienate any close relations - the worst fallout this far has been people at the periphery of my social spaces being unsure about where they have me.
I think the reason is nvc, and maybe just the spaces and relationships I find myself in. I keep forgetting others might not have such a smooth ride - thank you for the disclaimer.
I'd never do a ventilation process without checking in with the other person first (communication consent), and make sure the container is stable.
The "edgy honesty" you are talking about reminds me of a model I have of power. Immature power tries to grasp the social nexus role temporarily, just for the trill of it.
Mature power is channeling the nexus to the betterment of all. Same with honesty - used with discernment, it can open up a space, clear the relational farts, and evoke a sense of trust and security - even with people you don't know that well.
I'm reminded of a process from Brad Blantons book "Radical Honesty". I'm the process, you book a "ventilation" session with someone. The rules are: tell them about the things you are mad about, using the sentence stem "I resent you for...".
Say whatever comes up, and don't try to be reasonable. Just share the thoughts that come up. Don't let take turns, let one person ventilate and the other listen.
Usually, appreciations pop up. If they do, mix them in using the sentence stem "I appreciate you for..." After you run out of things to say, switch who is active, and let the other person ventilate.
I think this process serves much of the same need. Yours is more focused on the positive. I see some risks/benefits of Blanton's process, though:
1. The appreciations pop up spontaneously, and don't risk feeling forced.
2. The clearing of resentment is more visceral, spoken face to face rather than being written down. This might help clear things on a gut level.
The downside of Blantons process is that it's batshit insane, and sounds really destructive. If you are open to A/B test it on your relationship, I'd be happy to hear the outcome :)
Blanton's book was a big influence on me. After reading RH when I was 18, I went balls-to-the-wall truthful, burning down many relationships in the process. Overall, I am glad I had a radical honest phase to build that muscle and really feel the exhilaration of edgy honesty, but being radically honest in the wrong moments or without the relational commitment space and capacities to process, can be quite a selfish and neurotic act.
His Stoa session: https://youtu.be/B-I_LiTgiKQ?si=TzFAEa3E_56a9w3i
I've been in my radical honesty phase for a couple of years now. I haven't managed to alienate any close relations - the worst fallout this far has been people at the periphery of my social spaces being unsure about where they have me.
I think the reason is nvc, and maybe just the spaces and relationships I find myself in. I keep forgetting others might not have such a smooth ride - thank you for the disclaimer.
I'd never do a ventilation process without checking in with the other person first (communication consent), and make sure the container is stable.
The "edgy honesty" you are talking about reminds me of a model I have of power. Immature power tries to grasp the social nexus role temporarily, just for the trill of it.
Mature power is channeling the nexus to the betterment of all. Same with honesty - used with discernment, it can open up a space, clear the relational farts, and evoke a sense of trust and security - even with people you don't know that well.
YMMV ;)
Awww yiiisss "Relational protocols" 😌✨ – talk to me like that honey.
Maybe start to air it out *before* peak stickiness? 😜