In Donna Haraway’s Staying with the Trouble: Making Kin in the Chthulucene, she implores us to face the complex challenges of the world without resorting to utopian escapism or doomer capitulation—simpler reactions compared to the courage required to stay with the trouble we are collectively in. I love the phrase and its overall sentiment, adopting it into my inquiry practice. Since inquiries often begin with something bothersome, I use the phrase: staying with the bother.
When something is bothersome, there is a lack of clarity—you feel vexed, yearning for a quick fix but unable to find one because you’re surrounded by uncertainty and no available answers. It’s frustrating, sometimes even excruciating. I refer to these particularly tricky bothers as “existential knots,” or x-knots, which I define as:
Being bothered about something that feels important without being able to accurately articulate what the bother or importance is.
To gain discernment in untying x-knots, I developed my inquiry practice over the years—initially for myself—which I now regularly engage in through journaling or with virtuous friends. The thing that brought me the greatest clarity was practical philosophy, or the practical “love of wisdom,” which might best be described as “philosophical coaching” for the market economy. Since I am opening up more spaces in my practice, I thought I’d frame it as clearly as possible:
Staying with the bother is a critical component of this practice—not only during the practice itself but also outside of it. A high-leverage move is to become intimate with what is bothersome. To do this effectively, a leisurely space is needed, ideally scheduled into your calendar on a weekly basis, either as a journaling session or with someone who has the capacity to hold space for your complexity (e.g., a virtuous friend or philosophical coach).
Once this weekly space has been booked, I recommend the following practice:
Staying with the Bother Practice
Prepare to meet your inquiry time by collecting bothersome bits, or x-knots, throughout the week. I use a variation of David Allen’s “bucket technique” from Getting Things Done. Essentially, keep a notebook or note-taking app on your phone and jot down all the bothersome occurrences or thoughts that arise during the week. Examples might include:
Feeling stuck in this job.
My pattern of jumping to worst-case scenarios and freaking out.
Feeling anger toward my mother when she still tells me what to do.
Why do I feel annoyance with Jeremy?
Karen’s comment.
A sense of being boring at last night’s party.
Is the Four Burners Theory bullshit?
Jot down whatever comes to mind—this could be a question, a moment that invoked something bothersome, or even a philosophical curiosity. These things can range from something mild to something deeply frustrating. Update your list daily, adding new bothersome moments as needed and removing those that have been resolved. You’ll find that many resolve “on their own” throughout the day. The ones that remain unresolved and still feel activated are excellent material for your weekly inquiry.
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The direction of this practice is to become unbothered and gently reach “bother zero”—a state where nothing remains on your list. This is a beautiful and rare moment when it occurs, and I’ve attained it a few times in my life. However, the goal isn’t to always remain in a bother zero state. Such a goal would be foolhardy, as those called to live fully in the world—with all the compromises it entails—cannot possibly have the time or capacity to resolve everything that bothers them.
Instead, it’s about living with bothers in a way that transforms the experience into something joyous, anticipating the moment when you can meet it without judgment. One can, with the right system and skills, reframe personal and professional difficulties as opportunities, even as something positive or fun—a part of playing the game of life.
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