Writing Out Of Love
Hello friends,
The world seems like it is burning, and I hope you are well.
Weekend’s events:
Metagame Mastermind w/ Daniel Kazandjian.Every Saturday @ 6:00 PM ET. RSVP here.
Flowing With Unknowingness w/ Tyson Wagner. Every Saturday @ 8:00 PM ET. RSVP here.
Stoic Breath w/ Steve Beattie.Every Sunday @ 10:00 AM ET. RSVP here.
Mediation Campfire w/ Jason Snyder and Jared Janes. Every Sunday @ 3:30 PM ET. RSVP here.
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May 29, 2020
Give your everything until your nothing.
That was the title I gave to a music playlist when I was young. Maybe it should be phrased as “you’re nothing”, but I will keep the title of the original playlist, and gesture towards a potential poetic significance. I was a champ at creating playlists. I used to make playlists for best friends, and girls I used to have crushes on, one being my future wife. I was called to listen to it again, and I was reminded that I put the ending scene of Perks of Being a Wallflower at the beginning of the playlist. Here is the quote:
I don’t know if I will have the time to write any more letters, because I might be too busy trying to participate. So, if this does end up being the last letter, I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school, and you helped me. Even if you didn’t know what I was talking about, or know someone who’s gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all these things don’t happen. And there are people who forget what it’s like to be sixteen when they turn seventeen. I know these will all be stories some day, and our pictures will become old photographs. We all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now, these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here, and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song, and that drive with the people who you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.
It was a lovely book, and movie, and ending. I do not think I will stop writing anytime soon, but I want to write each entry as if it were my last one, because it might be. I want to give it everything until I am nothing, and I want to risk crying while writing each entry, like I was during yesterday's.
To highlight this line in the above quote: Even if you didn’t know what I was talking about, or know someone who’s gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Sometimes I may not make sense here, but I do feel less alone writing these, thanks to you being here. I am happy to have these journals viewed as part philosophical art and part cry out for love. And I am ready to cry, if I need to. I think I am experiencing an existential opening. I am not only here, but my heart is here as well. Do you feel it?
It feels quietly present, and tender. It is peeking its head out right now, at the knife’s edge of being heart broken. With a boyish shyness it is smiling at you. Smiling at the potential of being noticed for the first time, with the promise of not being rejected, and not being hurt.
At one of our bi-weekly circling sessions, Jasna said she felt I was a good person, and always felt this about me. Johnny V and others agreed. I think I needed to hear that, because for so long I felt like I was a bad person. I was always getting in trouble at school, not listening to teachers, and being sent to the principal's office at least once a week. Every school year I was threatened to be held back a year. I think this helped condition me to believe in the story that I was one of the bad people.
But those days are over. I put in my 10,000+ journal hours, and did philosophical counselling with Andrew, and engaged in therapy sessions with Peterson. Not to mention a slew of spiritual practices, mastermind groups, and psychotherapeutic exercises. I am not only ready to start feeling like one of the good people, I am ready to start becoming one of the good people.
I have been working out with Nicolas Benjamin in the mornings. He is a beautiful person, and without his shirt off he looks even more beautiful. This brah be mirin. I have worked out all my life: weight lifting, running, high-intensity interval training, etc. I sucked at working out though. I always felt insecure about not knowing what the fuck I was doing. If I managed to get into a rhythm, I worked out for about 6 months then a life event would happen and I would stop.
The philosophy of Nicolas is that you should work out because of love. A love for your body, and wanting the best for it. A love for your loved ones, and wanting to be healthy for them. And a love for their eyes, in order to be beautiful for them. I never worked out in this spirit. It was always inspired by some lack, and motivated by shame.
This method of doing something out of love can be applied to all activities in life, including journaling. Sure, the idea here is that I am writing to myself, but my heart wants in on the action now. I desire to write to myself, out of love, for me and for you.
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