In intimate relationships, things can go awry without apparent cause, leading to awkward and increasingly irritating exchanges. Frequently, in these moments, there is a mutual meta-awareness that no single individual is at fault, preventing full-blown anger outbursts. Something did get triggered, though. Yet, it isn't easy to point out what got triggered and what triggered it. These moments usually occur in a social context, making it difficult to process what just happened. I’ll call these moments relationship farts.
People in long-term relationships surely have emotional memories of such farts, along with the messy patterns that emerge from them. Farts can get quite stinky, so it's advisable to establish some protocols to air them out. I recently had a relationship fart this weekend, which was ultimately productive, because it led to the establishment of the following five-step protocol:
Step 1) Acknowledge we just relationship farted
The wisdom of "name it to tame it" goes a long way. Calling out a relationship fart at its peak stinkiness allows for a shared understanding and a reframing of the situation. It also paves the way for light-heartedness, creating room for jokes like "Oh boy, it's getting stinky in here."
Step 2) Agree to bookmark the processing for later
It is always good to figure out what is at the bottom of what got triggered. I recommend having a personal inquiry practice and a relational inquiry practice. Establishing a relational sacred space where meaningful conversations occur is critical for authentic relationships to unfold.
If such a space is established and scheduled, providing the time for timeless conversations, then the option to deter processing the issue for later becomes possible. In social situations or when actionable objectives and activities are committed to, delegation for processing is the wise move.
Step 3) Air out the fart
Just as the straightforward act of rolling down a car window can dissipate the odor of an actual fart, couples can employ some clear actions to release relational stinkiness.
A quick airing out ritual can be done, stating all the noxious energies and ill feelings present, honoring them in a way that releases them. Consider writing down these things on a piece of paper and then ripping it up into little pieces or lighting it on fire. Make it fun and visceral.
Step 4) State gratitude
Switch back and forth while expressing gratitude with the following sequence:
Something you're thankful for in life.
Something you’re thankful for about your relationship.
Something you're thankful for regarding your partner.
Step 5) Determine the wisest place to place the relational focus
Afterward, take a proactive approach by briefly inquiring about where to put the focus now. Is it best to continue with your initial plans, or perhaps the fart provided an existential opening for something more meaningful to do together?
In essence, relationship farts are not bad and can even be a blessing with the proper relational protocols. The path toward less foolishness is not a solo endeavor; it's a relational one, and intimate relationships provide the ideal grounds to practice becoming less of a fool.
I've recently relaunched my inquiry practice. To check if there are any openings for long-term inquiry partnerships, please contact me at thestoa at protonmail dot com. Additionally, I'll be offering single-session inquiries throughout the year, which you can schedule through the link below. You can read more about my practice here or here.
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