The Advanced Spiritual Practice of Doing Whatever You Want

I was at Nando’s, waiting for my order of chicken wings. These days, I hardly carry my phone, bringing my pocket notepad instead. A lady working there approached me and asked if I was waiting for something. I said, “Yes,” and she replied, “Oh, okay, just checking.”

She did not ask others this question, likely because they were all engaged in the appropriate waiting ritual of staring into digital black holes. I must have looked strange—a bearded man furiously jotting in his notepad as if on the verge of discovering a life-defining poem. I was seeking the delicate balance of being fully attuned to my surroundings while transcending into a sacred sanctuary to be protected from unwhole distractions.

I love blocking myself from the world these days—“death to the world,” as my Orthodox brothers say. I now comprehend the subtle influences others have on me. This awareness is both a blessing and a burden. Everyone exerts pressure, in their own ways, for what is to become something else. Including me. They wish for me to be what I am not, so I conform to safely fit within the contours of their worldview, their expectations, their comforting lies. I am not a misanthrope, but being around people is exhausting.

Even digitally. Just seeing one YouTube thumbnail of my former therapist barking about pursuing what's meaningful sends anxiety through my body. Social media is ridiculous. We don't need this. This isn't meaningful. My body doesn't feel a sense of meaning when I'm compelled to click. The opposite happens. My grayscale computer has become a digital monastery these days, uBlocking everything that disrupts my sense of wholeness.

I was picking up on all the social movements: the frantic waitresses in server consciousness, those waiting while negotiating their souls with digital demons, the woman with leaky eros trying to capture attention, and the only other person waiting and not looking at his phone—a Rastafarian man staring at me. Old Peter would have been uncomfortable with this, but death-to-the-world Peter senses his intent is not harmful; he is just curious about what has captivated my attention.

I was not writing anything that would interest him. I was seeking one last premise to end the phase of my life where I felt like a charlatan and fully met my post-philosophy moment. I did not know what the premise was, but I knew where it would be found. I started writing there with phrases that might look like philosophical gibberish to others. I sensed something emerging, but the distractions were getting the better of me.

The smell of chicken, the Rastafarian gaze, the leaky eros... When being pressured, I judge people and then judge my judgment of people. I stopped that. I started liking my judgment, allowing it to emerge, which ultimately is just a protective layer from the pressure. I am also trying something different: sensing the original goodness in everyone, even if that goodness is just a tiny speck. Holding the judgment and goodness together is alchemic.

Something clicked, and the premise arrived. Hah. It’s so simple, like something forgotten and waiting to be remembered. It is embarrassing to articulate and probably a moral hazard without good foundations. I’ll share how it feels: expansive, like my true age is 20, full of foolhardy testosterone, with everything possible, and I can do whatever I want—in a way that finally feels good.

Someone called, “Peter!” My chicken wings were ready. It had been a long wait, but worth it.

Rufus Pollock

will be at The Stoa tomorrow to present on the “Second Renaissance”:

Our current civilization is crumbling, leading to a period of crisis and potential rebirth – what we could call a "second renaissance". There are many terms associated with it: metamodern, metacrisis, integral, teal, liminal web, gameB, regenerative and more.

A new “Second Renaissance” project provides a framing and guide to this moment of civilizational crisis and awakening -- and the emerging ecosystem(s) related to it. The project is an accessible entry-point for people to discover and make sense of this emerging moment and field. A bit like a curated art gallery for an emerging area of art.

There is a growing need to present this material to others in an *accessible* way – it’s both increasingly relevant *and* at the same time is relatively hard to find, make sense of and engage with. If we want this field to grow, we need to make this easier, especially for people not yet fully “in the space”.

You can RSVP behind the paywall.